GOODBYE FRIENDSTER BLOG
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I'm going over to TypePad.
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I can't stand these ads.
I'm going over to TypePad.
sneakydolphin.typepad.com
Slimiest slime slimey slime!
My word of the day: SLIME.
It just sounds cool, and has all kinds of slimey connotations.
I know what I think is slimey? People who have money and think they are the upper crust of the community, who treat others like SLIME on a regular basis (to their face, or behind their backs)…then in the public opinion campaign they try and pay for the best representation they can, to come across sparkling, not covered in the SLIME their souls really are.
It's "funny" how sometimes the most vigorous and twisty climbs of our lives are in our own minds.
I was driving along yesterday, and realized what mental slaves we are. Minds constantly going: analyzing, wishing we'd said "this" to so-and-so during "that" conversation, wishing we'd not said anything at all, reminiscing, weighing, growing, venting, creating, denying. Meanwhile, the trees and the air and the world go rushing by, little noticed by me for chunks at a time.
I have found that when I give in to my base desires, I inevitably feel worse for the wear. I don't feel vindicated, or better. I feel almost emotionally hung-over. Actually, the more I think about it, that's an apt description. You give in to the momentary joy of alcohol and, depending on how deep in you dive, you pay for it the next morning.
But I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I can see the growing up I have done paying off, but I also see the growing up I have to do. Situations are confusing, up and down and right and wrong don't have any definite meanings any more. The only compass I can follow is my intuition, my morals, my true inner core. Which, I am still figuring out, by trial and error (but which does have a deep core of truth to it, sometimes obscured by the ego...). Argh!
Like climbing Everest, the progress I make is harrowing and exhilarating. I make triumphant progress, then I might slip and fall, sliding back to where I have been before. The weather changes, mountain lions spring out from hiding, prowling past and setting me on edge. I huddle in a cave, shivering, while I wait for the rain to pass, and I lose faith in myself and think I should turn back. Yet, there is really no place to go, but onward and upward.
“Where attention goes – energy flows.”
“Let go – or get dragged.”
I am beginning to realize the validity of these statements
Sometimes you just have to let things go. If you keep feeding an annoying situation your attention, you are only feeding that which you claim to hate more and more and more energy, making it bigger and badder and stronger.
Now – perhaps “hating” on that thing/person/attribute/situation serves a psychological purpose – maybe it makes others pay attention to you, or you get sympathy, or it reminds you you’re alive, or you’re afraid to let it go, afraid to be alone, etc. (Yeah yeah, go see a therapist, or wake up and read the self-help books..or *something*.)
(I can think of a couple people off the top of my head who “hate” on things for some kind of attention – I’m sure you can, too.)
But I have finally realized that I in fact do *not* like how I feel when I harp on negative things.
Specific things. Specific things that require gossip to feed them.
I don’t want to know what he’s doing. I don’t *need* to know what he’s doing, anymore.
When I hear snippets and rumors of who he’s with, what he is doing….it only makes me upset, which makes me want to lash out…which, in a vicious cycle, makes me want to find out more…
…to fuel my anger at him…which makes it easier to go through my divorce.
But I don’t need that crutch anymore. It’s time to throw my crutches away. It’s time to stand up and stop cowering under the fear and pain and say “This isn’t working…good-bye…” and turn and calmly walk away from it all.
I made a conscious decision, and I shouldn't need to be angry all the time to validate it.
Just [at least try and] let go of the people and situations who don’t serve me, be they relatives of mine or not.
(Yes, blood *should* be thicker than water, but it’s not. Don’t let anyone fool you. Our god-given free will is much stronger than the call of the blood which flows through your veins. That’s one reason we’re different from animals. We can choose our loyalties.)
And we can choose who we talk to, what we gossip about, what we focus our precious attention – and therefore, our energy – on.
Why be a slave to what you do not like? Why keep feeding on the pain/anger/anxiety it casues? Why are we humans so addicted to pain?? Why do we need the pain to validate us, and our decisions and struggles?
This is why Sting said he was “no longer the king of pain”. Eventually, you tire of the darkness, and get on with life, already.
I’m not perfect. I expect to relapse. I expect to gossip again, soon. I expect to vent and rant and rave again, soon. I expect to ask those "in the know", what is going on with so-and-so...
But today I’ve made a tremendous leap forward in the methods of leading a happier life.
Let go – or get dragged.
My thoughts of today, in the form of a song, which I share with you, noble readers.
"No Man's Woman" - Sinead O'Connor
I don't wanna be no man's woman
It don't make me happy this mantrolling
thing that you got for me, so I become
no man's woman
I don't wanna be no man's woman
I've other work I want to get done
I haven't travelled this far to become
no man's woman
Cuz I'm tired of it
and I'm so scared of it
that I'll never trust again
cuz a man can fake you
take your soul and make you
miserable in so much pain
My friends think I'm alone but I've got secrets
I don't tell everything about the love I get
I got a lovin' man but he's a spirit
He never does me harm never treats me bad
He'd never takes away all the love he has
and I'm forgiven oh a million times
I'm never tired of it
and I'm not scared of it
cuz it doesn't cause me pain
Like a man can fake you
take your soul and make you
never be yourself again
I never wanna be no man's woman
I only wanna be my own woman
I haven't travelled this far to become
no man's woman
So, the visit to the World Bank was really neat yesterday. The building is incredibly groovy and swank and awesome, full of suede couches, tons of space as the ceiling is soooo high. I heard more foreign langauges spoken up and down the hallways than I heard English (Swiss, French, Swahili, Spanish, etc). There is lots of artwork on display from around the world, and the cafeteria is *amazing* - food from different cultures, offered really cheap, and they even had beer and wine. (Oh, and I was not the "Escortrix" after all - I was flower girl instead. My very important job was to place our live potted plants onto the center of each lunch table, and cover the pots with florist paper. I am taking one of the begonia's home with me today.)
I remember telling my Mom, when I was in the middle of pre-teen/teen angst: "Mom, one day we'll sit down and have a cup of tea and talk about all kinds of stuff...just -not- -right- -now-!" You know that way you are, in your teens - you're parents are totally annoying and you just want to be left alone, because you know everything, and they just don't understand. I was probably less that way than alot of kids, but still, it fit me enough back then.
Well, I find myself becoming a lot like my Mom the older I get, and often sitting with her, with tea or coffee, discussing junk. It's nice.
This guy sitting across from me at work is occasionally tapping his foot or some other body part to the music I have playing from my computer. That reminds me of my Dad. He even tends to pick out the same "beat" (they're probably of similar ages and grew up to the same music). So goofy a little thing to do.
Last weekend, Mom, Dad and I all pitched in turning over the soil in the vegetable garden so I can plant veggies for the first time since high school. That was nice. Rejuvinating.
Ugh, I'm tired. This blog is a bit boring - oh well!
Tomorrow my work is throwing a big event - the first annual "Trash Summit" at the World Bank. Jacque Cousteau's grandson will be there, as well as Congressmen and junk. I have to get up reeeeeally early and dress in Business Attire...to arrive by 8am to escort press from the visitor's entrance to the press table. My title for the day? "Escortrix". Hee hee hee.
I am back to work (and the world) after a long break for a sickness. I feel like I've raised my head from a long nap, rubbing my eyes and blinking, confused and bamboozeled by the passage of time and the unabashed speed of those around me. I was starting to forget what day it was.
I feel slower. My thoughts and actions more deliberate.
I don't think this is a bad thing.
I am convinced it's massive stress that opened my immune system to infection. I'm gonna watch it, now.
The sickness gave me the time to finish off some paperwork (ahem).
It *forced* me to slow down and hibernate. It gave me a brief and welcome break from constantly thinking and worrying about others' actions and thoughts, and the dreaded "what ifs".
I got to be selfish and spend some time alone, where I thought only of myself and how bad I felt and what stupid stuff distracted me from the mental and physical pain.
I wish I'd had all that time off under "funner" circumstances, but oh well. 'Tis part of life to be sick and be well. Some day I'll get a *real* vacation, eh?
My horoscope for this week (from www.freewillastrology.com):
The language we use has a tremendous power to shape our experience. This is especially true for you right now. The words you choose to describe your feelings and adventures will tip the balance of your energy toward delight and vigor or else toward discouragement and apathy. The fewer negative perspectives you formulate, the better your health will be. To spur yourself in the right direction, make frequent use of beautiful words like the following (or create your own list): mellifluous, thrive, melody, luminous, undulate, freshening, reverence, primordial, shimmer.
Alrighty then! I have been feeling down, and gross, and tired. However. I am turning that around. I am fine, for, after all: LUMINOUS beings are we, not this crude matter. Right, Yoda?
On a totally different note: Do certain sounds *get* to you? Perhaps you are not sure why, but they seem to resonate with your very soul? I know this happens to me. I wonder if it's a past life thing.
For instance. When I was playing Tomb Raider II, some of the songs and noises associated with the Tibetan areas just seemed to "get" to me. Certain string instruments...I think one is the zither?...also get to me. Whatever that instrument is from the train scene of the recent "The Lion, the Witch and Wardrobe" movie. A similar instrument is found in the Diablo II game: that twangy, foreign hammered-dulicer-type sound found in the songs of the the jungle areas. And don't even get me started on some of the World of WarCraft music. Ahh, Tanaris...
Snow and deserts (particularly as depicted in video games, along with appropriate location/cultural music)...seem to "get" to me. Why? It gets me to wondering...where has my soul been...?
Tag! You're it!
Happy Valentine's Day, Defendant. Please answer these 4 pages of interrogatories for my attorney and the court, in an absurdly short amount of time. Love, the Plaintiff.
Some of these questions might seem a bit probing and personal. In fact, you may feel like you're being asked to lie naked and spread-eagle on an operating table at a medical college, while we poke and prod at you. But, that's the way it goes, SweetPea. All in the name of fairness and the laws of matrimony, and my rights as your devoted spouse.
Now now - don't take so much time to wrap your head around this. It's your fault I got an attorney and filed, don't you remember?
Besides, SweetPea...there are so very many things you made me do and feel. You have so many expectations, and you could never leave well-enough alone. If only you'd settled into our little status quo. Tsk tsk.
Oh, you thought this separation process would be easy? Because we loved one another and got married amidst trying circumstances, you thought maybe an ounce of those feelings might translate into somewhat of an easier divorce process??
Pfft. Please...especially not with all the practice my guide has under her belt.
By the way, I hope all this lawyer crap doesnt make us enemies. I know this stuff is really hard and somtimes it hurts. I just hope that we can be at least friends when all this is over, and maybe even hang out some day!
Oh yeah, here's that song I said reminded me of you.
What's that, you say? It reminded you of me a while ago? Really? Isn't that something. Let's hear it...
Hide and seek -Imogen Heap
Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to fall
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling
Spin me around again and rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines?
All those years they were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasue moments hung before
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
Still life
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
Oh, you won't catch me around here
Blood and tears they were here first
Hmm what you say
Oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
Hmm what you say
Hmm that it's all for the best, of course it is
Hmm what you say
That it's just what we need, you decided this
Hmm what you say
What did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit
You don't care a bit